The trick is survival

 Goodness it's been a while. 

Things around here have been ticking along. I wouldn't say things are great, but they're not...terrible? Asher is in 6th grade (well, almost done with 6th), Elijah in 3rd, Eden 2nd, and Rebekah is finishing her final year of Mother's Day Out. She would have started Kindergarten, but with COVID still running rampant last fall, we didn't want to ask her to wear a mask for 8 hours a day AND start Kindergarten a year early. So, she'll start on time in the fall. She's already reading some simple words (she can read more than she thinks) so she'll have a pretty easy time of it. 

The first semester, Eden was doing distance learning with a tutor, but then her tutor moved away for some personal reasons, so we talked to Eden's doctors, plus the COVID numbers were FINALLY decreasing (thank you world for finally getting your act together and understanding how to properly mask, social distance, and vaccinate), so we all decided that it was ok for her to go back to in-person school. That has had it's ups and downs. There's only about four weeks of school left, so hopefully, we can hold on. 

She had a cardio appointment in September...that I remember very few details about. Sorry about that. But she had another one yesterday, and it was fine. Continue as normal. Cool. She doesn't NEED to be seen every six months, but the doctor LIKES to see her every six months just because we're so far and it makes her feel better about everything. So, cool. We'll drive to Plano every six months. It's one day, we stop by Einstein Bagels and I get my cranberry bagels and it's fine. Though I generally need about 24 hours to recover from that much concentrated Eden. It's a lot. She talks A LOT you guys. 

Elijah has been in Tae Kwan Do for a while and been enjoying that quite a bit. He's apparently got some skill there. I haven't seen much beyond a few videos, but he's eager to go most Tuesday evenings and Saturday mornings, so cool. Great. Have fun. The other kids have been offered the same opportunity and none are interested. 

He is also taking piano lessons for the .... second? year in a row and is doing great there. Some people think of Austin (obviously) and say "oh, well, that's where the talent comes from BUT I WOULD LIKE TO POINT TO THE LITERAL SHELF OF TROPHYS AND RIBBONS AND MEDALS I HAVE FOR MY PIANO PLAYING THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I also played the clarinet for a few years, though, like, not super great. I never could learn the fingerings for the notes, I just...kind of...memorized where to put my fingers? It's kind of hard to explain. If you asked me to play you an A, I couldn't do it. But if you asked me to play a song, I could. Then. Not now. I have no idea how to do it now. My embouchure is shot. 😆 Plus the fact that my father was the drum major not only in high school, but also for the MOB at Rice in college. So, be aware, the music genes come from both sides. Walkes are just not as obnoxious about it as the Mullins. Or we just don't care as much. Either way. (Austins seriously just pounds on that poor piano. Luckily, lately he's been using the headphones so it works out for us.) Again, opportunities offered to the other kids that they have no interest in. 

Austin is in a band called Mooniform and enjoying that. They've had a couple of gigs and they're local, which is better than the last band he was in where they had to travel to them. They wear uniforms/costumes. He plays the keyboard for this band, instead of the...bass? guitar? that he played in the last one. 

He's still enjoying his job. They've been incredible during the pandemic, allowing people to work from home as needed at a moment's notice. Austin prefers to work in the office, even with the kids out of the house, but comes back and forth whenever I need help. Maybe I'm just as distracting as the kids are? Or maybe it's the cats. They're pretty needy. 

Asher is gearing up for what TLCA calls middle school, 7th grade. He'll be at a new campus next year. He's not exactly looking forward to it, but he's not dreading it. He still reads like crazy and asks to go to the library about every 10-14 days for new books. He's got a very dry humor and a pretty great personality when he want to show it, but generally is pretty quiet and prefers to just sit and read when around other people. In a lot of ways, though, he is very much like my dad, and I really like that. 

Rebekah is doing great. She's getting a little more sassy as she grows up, a little more personality and a little more like me. She's basically me reborn. 😆 Not sure how I feel about that, but...it's not too bad. She has a whole army of plushies she sleeps with every night, and she creates little beds for them. She plays Mommy to some of them, and gives them voices. They have homes, jobs, families of their own, fights that she has to break up, school they don't want to get up for, the whole nine yards. She has a pretty great imagination. I only hear the soap opera of her plushies on Fridays when she's home all day, but I'll miss it next fall. We have a whole bedtime routine after teeth brushing and face washing that's pretty great. She doesn't share it with many people (only one so far that I know of) and I'll be a little sad when she decides she's done with it. Though she needs to quit adding to it.

She doesn't mind being along for the pick up parade since she gets to watch movies in the car and I usually bring her a cheesestick. Tuesdays, she gets art lessons and she loves those. She gets upset when she doesn't get them, so if they have to be rescheduled, I try to prepare her for that. She generally is ok if she's been told ahead of time, but she is 5, so there's only so much greatness for her. 

As for me, I'm doing fine. I'm still cross-stitching a lot, though my pace has slowed down a bit just because we're busier than we were during the quarantining times. There are constant appointments or activities. Plus leaving at 2 every day to go pick kids up and not getting back until close to 4 definitely cuts into my stitching time. I mean, I've still done something like 25 pieces this year. So...I mean...I'm still working a lot. But I might not hit 70 for the year. But then again....I might. 

I'm still reading a ton. I'm up to...78? books for the year. Not as many bangers this year as I'd like, but still a few I've loved. I'm in an in person book club and a virtual book club and a book of the month club and in the in person book club there have developed mini groups of people who talk about podcasts and certain other books and its great. We send each other memes and tiktok videos and when my sister needed some encouraging last month, my book club put together some goodies for her and I sent it. I'm so greatful for my friend A for inviting me two years ago. 

I have written another book and have ideas for two others (one of which is partially written) and I'm working on editing and sensitivity reading on the written one. It's MUCH shorter than The Reluctant Cinderellas. And only has like, three swears, if that. 😆 It's a very different book and I'll let people know if/when I get around to publishing it.

My hair has finally returned to it's pre-falling out thickness! Mostly. I don't think it'll ever 100% recover. But it's not wafer thin like it was. We had COVID in the house in February, so I'm watching to see if my hair falls out again (fun fact, we think we had COVID back in February 2020, when we were all SO.SICK. and that may have been a contributing factor to my hair falling out that spring) but so far, so good. I'm still dyeing it, so you don't see my grays as much until the roots start to show. When that happens, I look sparkly. Four kids, pandemic, lots of stress...I'm a disco ball. 

My migraines are mostly under control. I say mostly, but really, they are. I have one when I ovulate and one when I menstruate, since they're tied to my hormones. So...come on, menopause! Only another...10ish years of this? bleh. The problem is, after about six or so months, my body adapts to the medication, and we have to double the dosage. So there's a limited time frame as to how long I can be on it. The side effects were the appetite suppressing, which led to my weight loss, and sporadic tingling in my fingers, like when your hand falls asleep. It never lasts for very long, but it is a weird sensation to be doing something and all of a sudden your hands are tingling. They aren't numb, just tingling. Once the medication is no longer an option, we'll explore other stuff and see what works, because I'm too young to just have a hysterectomy for migraines. Which, I get. But like. It would help me. So. Please sir. I'm done with these organs and they are making my day to day life awful. Without the medication, I spend something like half the month dealing with excruciating migraines, maybe more than that, since I've been on medication nearly 3 years now and don't really remember how many days it was before that. Maybe it was three weeks? I would just take medicine and do the stuff that needed doing because that's what needed to happen and be miserable and feel bad all the time. I get that a hysterectomy has other things that go with it...but maybe they'd be better than three weeks of misery a month? Dunno. 

I also got the joy of sciatic pain joining the party lately. Oh, the joys of my late 30's. Sitting in uncomfortable chairs for 30 minutes kills me. Yesterday's trip to Plano was agony. I couldn't hardly do steps by the end of it. I'm feeling some better this morning, but...we'll see what happens over the next little while. I'll have a doctor's appointment soon to discuss my migraines and I'll bring up the sciatica. 

I had my annual mammogram last year and they found a small mass. It was non-cancerous, just dense tissue, but it necessitated a second, more intense, mammogram to figure that out. It was in a tricky spot, and one of those "we're going to mash really hard until you tell us to stop" kind of mammograms. And afterwards, when I was waiting, my friends were sending me encouraging texts. The lady who came to get me afterwards, her first words were "it's not cancer" so thank god for that. It's in a weird place, too. Good times all around. 

Also, I'm shrinking. I've lost an inch. 

I'm falling apart. 

I guess just focus on Austin and the kids? They've got good stuff going on. I'm a mess. House issues, body issues, book issues, etc. It'll all work out in the end. It's just getting there that's the trick. And sometimes, all you can do is put your head down and just push your way through. 

The Body Keeps the Score

 July 4, December 1, January 8, November 28, May 21, June 6, June 16. These are all anniversaries my body celebrates without my consent. 

My body does a lot of things without my consent: random nausea, migraines, periods. Things I have no say over and can do little about. I know the dates are coming, and I can brace myself for them, but generally speaking, I just have to push on through to the other side. 

Some of these are grandparents. All of mine have passed. A result of being a late in life baby. One grandparent passed when I was very young, and though my last grandparent lived to be late into her 90's, she died in 2012. 

Another is my dad. None of us saw that coming, though we did feel like we got additional years with him after his aneurysms in 1998. It still doesn't feel like enough, since he was only in his 60's and we were only in our 20's and 30's. 

The other dates are trickier. By all accounts, I have no rights to grieve them. My body shouldn't mourn them. I wasn't that close to them in life, so why does my body remember them? They were both troubled young men who I watched from the periphery of their lives, and enjoyed seeing their successes and was saddened by their frustrations. Our connections were tenuous. 

The June 6 one was the same year as Dad, and so that's very likely why. My body was in "let's make this particular young man, who is special for this particular reason, even more special" mode. So every June 6, my body marks the anniversary of his death. 

The November 28 one was special, not just because that's my birthday, but for other reasons. I feel like I'm surrounded by ghosts on my birthday. Ghosts of those who should be there, celebrating with me, but who aren't for various reasons. I grow older and they don't. I surpassed one within a few hours of his death and will hopefully surpass the other in about twenty years. The November 28 young man was in my life for just a little while, but he left his mark in a special to me way, so I was sad to hear of his death. It was the beginning of all the deaths of 2009, all the memories my body made. All the grief my body is carrying on a cellular level. 

It's not just death that causes bodies to keep score like this. Trauma can do it. I'm fortunate enough I haven't had anything like that in my life that my body has felt needed tracking. Though it does feel the need to almost completely ruin May and June because of Dad. Every major event in those months is tinged with grief for him. (It doesn't help that a lot of things happen in those months: our anniversary, end of school programs he would have wanted to be at, Father's Day, his and Mom's anniversary, his birthday.) 

My body just decided at some point that May and June are Grief Months, so we shall Grieve in those months. I hurt. I have migraines. I'm nauseated. I just want to sleep all. the. time. Very little tastes good. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I have almost zero motivation to do anything but what I want to do (watch tv in bed while cross stitching, mainly). It's almost like being in the second or third week of the aftermath of a death, when the initial shock has worn off and you're just weepy, and at loose ends. But for two months every year. I don't love it. 

Grief isn't a timeline, where you go through first one stage, then the next and so on until you're done, and I think people who haven't had to deal with it in a major way may not fully understand that. It's a cycle and sometimes you bounce around the circle. One day, you may be fine. It may have been years, then you look up and something small happens, and *bam* you're irrationally furious or desperately sad or would be willing to kill your next door neighbor to have that person back, or to have had that horrible thing not have happened. You think you're through with the worst of it, but there's always going to be tinges of every part of every stage left over. Your body keeps track of how everything felt to pull back out on your Grief Days to remind you...and sometimes on in between days. Depression will do that, too. 

I've also managed to develop a somewhat supernatural ability to pick fiction books with dead fathers and father figures during the May/June period. I can't remember the actual number, but it was something like 75% of the books I read last year during that time frame had dead or dying fathers. This year, I have mostly avoided fiction, sticking to interesting podcasts and non-fiction books, and I've still managed to have two books with a dead father and a dying father figure and a movie with a really sweet father/daughter relationship that made me weepy. I read five books in May. And the book club selection for June apparently has a woman working through her father's death. The meeting is a few days before Dad's birthday. I'm working up to that book. It's a weird talent I've developed. 

Sometimes, we just feel sad, and there's no real reason for it. And sometimes there is. We're sad because our body is reminding us of someone we loved who is gone now. Our bodies keep track and keep score, even without our asking. Death, and trauma, scars us, maybe not physically, where everyone can see it, but deep down, where we may not even realize it, and sometimes those scars surface in the form of tears, or melancholy, or lethargy, or just feeling "off." So if someone is off, it may not be anything they can really put their finger on. It may just be their body taking over for the day without their consent. A long ago date inscribed on their internal calendar that their conscious mind has long forgotten, but their internal calendar never will. 

To Plano and Back

 The pandemic has really taken it out of me. To be fair, it's taken a lot out of all of us, I'm not special in any way. It's just a reason for limited (or no) updates. 

Eden had her six month check up on Monday the 22nd and physically, she's doing great, as usual. She's ticking along and her doctor is very pleased with her growth. She still expects that as she grows, more stress will be put on her heart and someday down the road, we'll have to look at some kind of surgical option, but for now, she's doing well and there's nothing new on that front. 

Pandemic wise, her recommendation is for Austin and I to be vaccinated (we are) and to continue to wear masks and socially distance around people who aren't and when we're in public (we do, for the most part...if I'm outside or if it's just for a few minutes, I'll generally take my mask off, since I know I'M safe and the CDC recommendation for gatherings of groups of vaccinated and unvaccinated people is that the unvaccinated people wear masks, not the vaccinated). In Eden's case, she is not to be around people who aren't vaccinated UNLESS they are masked, though she can be around healthy unvaccinated children (no coughs, sniffles, or diarrhea). Yes. I realize this can be confusing. Don't worry, I understand the ins and outs. 

I asked about antibodies from actually having COVID and she said that those antibodies aren't good for more than about 4-6 months, so they need to have the shot or wear a mask. Fair enough. I'll keep that in mind as we move forward into the summer. 

We are also not allowed to be in groups larger than 10-12, including us, which counts out most of the Walke family gatherings, since a simple family dinner is about 15 people. So, we can work up to those, but we can't do any full family gatherings just yet. We can do half family gatherings (curse of the big family) but my family is understanding and we'll meet up in smaller groups and hopefully by the end of the summer, we'll work up to all of us. I haven't figured out all the details of working up to all of us just yet, but I will. Once all of us adults are vaccinated (and really, only two of my nieces and nephews are under 16 and ineligible for the vaccine) it'll be MUCH easier. And if we do some back yard cookouts, that'll be easier, too. 

Because of how the boys have become towards Eden behavior wise, Dr. S said they absolutely need to go back to school, wearing masks, of course. So, they are going back to in person school on April 5. Elijah got excited, Asher wasn't at first, but he got more so the more he thought about it. I think. We'll see. It'll definitely be an adjustment. Some of the other kids were out of formal school for a few weeks at most. Ours have been able to do school on their own schedule for over a year at this point. So getting up at 10am, taking breaks whenever they want, wearing the same clothes for 4 days in a row (in spite of my and Austin's repeated pleas to change their clothes), working on whatever they want to whenever they want to, talking constantly...it'll be a huge adjustment. For them and their classmates and teachers. 

I took them to the local fabric store and let them pick their fabrics for their masks and a friend of mine and her mom are making their masks so that will be great for them to have custom made masks that they will enjoy, hopefully. We also have to get them some school clothes (we didn't at the beginning of the school year because I knew they wouldn't be staying in school, so they desperately need clothes that fit) and decent haircuts and a few other things, so the next week will be a little busy getting ready for school. 

Eden will not be returning to school with the boys because it isn't safe for her. Our boys and one other girl (I think she still is, I'm not sure) are the only ones wearing masks. Dr. S wants us to wear masks the rest of this year and into next year, regardless of what the schools and government are saying. That's going to be the tricky part, I think. She did say we'll see what's going on in September and may reevaluate, but she thinks the new strains are going to show up more over the summer as people relax and travel more, and since she's part of some study there at the hospital, and sees COVID patients regularly, I trust that she knows what she's talking about. Eden is not higher risk for COVID, but she is higher risk for MIS-C, and if she got that, she wouldn't just go into the ICU here in town, she'd go into the ICU in Dallas or Plano, likely via Careflight. And we don't want to deal with that. We'd rather just not deal with COVID, thank you. 

Since Dr. S wants the kids to all wear masks at school next year, Rebekah, who we were on the fence about what to do with her, is going to be staying in MDO for another year instead of starting Kindergarten a year early like we had thought about. She's intellectually and academically ready, but we feel like it's asking too much to start school a year early AND ask her to keep a mask on all day. She's ok to stay at MDO without a mask, and her teacher there has offered to start giving her Kindergarten worksheets next year, since she already gets harder sheets than the other kids and they're a breeze for her. She can manage a mask for a while when we've taken her into a store, but an entire school week feels like too much. I'm keeping my hopes up for the 2022-23 school year to be more normal. Perhaps enough people will be vaccinated by then that kids won't have to wear masks to school. 

After hearing about all that we've been dealing with, Dr. S "prescribed" at least two vacations for us this summer. So we're working on that, too. Asher voted for an amusement park, but I vetoed that until they're all a little older. Elijah voted for out of the state. I vetoed that because that seemed too far and ambiguous and when they clarified with beach (Rebekah's vote) I said an out of state beach was too far. Eden wanted to go to her friend's house. So, they came to a consensus and the kids want to go back to the beach. We're looking at either going back to Galveston or going to Port Aransas. It's about the same distance of a drive, we just need Austin to look into work stuff and get back to me with when is a good time. 

I think that's everything. It's been a long few months, what with the holidays and snow storm and school. We were really lucky this trip, because Eden's favorite person ever, Mrs. Dot, went with us. She was so helpful in keeping Eden fed and talking to me to keep me awake when the drive got boring (which it didn't really since we had rain there and back, plus the massive dust storm). It was so nice to have another adult along for the ride and Eden loved having Mrs. Dot there. We got to see Cari for dinner, and since I hadn't seen her in months, that was nice. It's the little things you miss in a pandemic: road trips with friends, dinner with your sister, weekends away with girlfriends, family vacations to the beach. Hopefully, as much as 2021 has sucked so far, we can get some of that back. 

Long absence and another adventure with Eden

 Goodness, it's been a long time. Lots has happened to everyone. Pandemic, quarantine, Covid, riots, marches, protests, wildfires, hurricanes, murder hornets, meth gators, flying snakes, giant tarantulas, rabid bats, self published books, social distance hang outs, zoom hang outs, births, deaths. Good times, amiright? 

Our family has weathered the storms of uncertainty fairly well these past several months. Our distance learning started out ok, but quickly nose dived as Asher decided he just flat out didn't want to do it and started refusing to do about 2/3 of his work most days. Eden is stubborn in her own right and I am definitely not cut out to be a teacher, so she and I butted heads a lot. Elijah, thankfully, was fine, and sailed through his work fairly well most of the 6 (or was it 8?) weeks we did it. Rebekah was essentially on her own. Anyone who followed my fb posts in the spring will remember her "Frozen studies." 

We finally gave up and stopped with Eden because she was done, I was done, and we needed to stop for everyone's safety and sanity. About ten days later, the boys were done, too. 

School started back September 8 and it's been going fairly well for the past two weeks, and it's a micro school (only 13 kids total) and they have an adapted schedule, with only the younger kids there in the morning and the older kids there in the afternoon, but since they're not under the school district, masks are not required. Because of this, only our kids and one other are wearing them. This was the only thing about what the school is doing that made us hesitant, but we talked to the pediatrician here and she said if our kids would wear masks, maybe it would be ok. So we proceeded. 

Eden had her six month cardio check up yesterday and she wanted to hear about the school situation and when I started to describe it, she was nodding. As soon as I said no masks, her eyes widened and she shook her head. She said "I'm not comfortable with that, I don't want Eden there. Pull her out." I asked about the boys, and she said she didn't want them there, either. So, the boys and Eden are on a mini break while we sort out distance learning again. 

We talked about Rebekah's MDO program, and as far as I can tell, the teachers are wearing masks enough that she's ok to stay. I will be talking to the director to verify that, though. If they aren't, then she can't stay there, either. Dr. S also wants Austin to work from home as much as he can, if possible. There are some all day meetings every three weeks that he pretty much just needs to go into the office for, so he either needs to go to the office, or we need to figure out somewhere else for him to be on those days. 

We're going to sort out some kind of zoom situation for the kids to do their classes virtually, and we have laptops for the school to use and we have laptops to use here and their teachers are going to create packets of their schoolwork like we had in the spring. We talked to the kids about it last night and they seemed on board. They're definitely ok with having a couple of days off while we figure everything out. 

We have back up plans, and back ups for our back ups. Anyone who knows me knows I plan for months out. We were instructed not to have our kids in a school environment where everyone is not wearing masks for the next six months. I've been planning ahead for stuff for the next 4 months ANYWAY, so that wasn't too far ahead of me. I'd sort of been planning for this, so I wasn't caught too off guard, but I was disheartened to hear it, and I did cry a little as we left the cardiology department. Eden just reached up and held my hand as we walked to the elevator. 

It's so frustrating that people around us don't see the importance of masks. They don't think this virus is that big of a deal. They think it's just a bad flu. They don't see the big deal, because no one they love is a higher risk person. Or even if someone is, they don't necessarily believe that they will get it or be that sick, because they haven't seen anyone get really sick with it. They see wearing a mask as an infringement on their rights. What about my daughter's right to life? To being able to go to school with her friends? To being in a safe environment? What actual right are you being forced to give up? 

I do get that wearing a mask is uncomfortable. I don't enjoy it either. The cloth ones are decidedly less comfortable than the disposible ones. I noticed that for sure yesterday at the hospital. They insist you wear the hospital grade ones, not the homemade ones, and pass them out at the entrance, and it was far more comfortable and I felt like I could breathe better in it. But for the safety of those around me, I will continue to wear them whenever I'm out and around people I don't live with. 

This is not to call anyone out or to disparage the school. I think the teachers are doing a great job overall and they are doing the best they can. They made the choice not to require masks and that is something I knew going in. I understand why they made that choice and why they left it up to each individual family as to whether or not their children were going to wear masks. It is still an excellent school and my children are still getting a quality education (or as quality as they can with me being in charge of any part of it). It's just taking on a slightly different form right now. I love and respect both of the teachers tons, they were my teachers and one was my "other mother" growing up (she had all sons and would periodically "borrow" me). I even gave her Mother's Day cards and gifts for YEARS. My frustrations are my own...and maybe Austin's. After twelve years of marriage and ... what, seventeen? years of knowing him, I feel like I can somewhat speak for him. 

It's going to be an interesting adjustment, but I feel like we can do this. I hope, anyway. In any case, we'll give it the old CAZA try. 

Adventures with Eden part 6

Man this girl has a lot of adventures. Good thing she's up for them.

She had her second cardio appointment of the year in Plano the Monday before Thanksgiving. Interesting timing on my part because I was sick off and on the week before that decided to be pretty fully on Thursday. I was feeling better enough to take her on Monday, so we set off, but that meant that very little preparations for our annual Walke Thanksgiving trip to New Braunfels had been done since I'd been in bed for three days.

Anyway....driving in the metroplex on a holiday week with Miss Chatterbox in the back on the tail end of a three day bout of illness was not my idea of a good time. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Austin stayed home with the other three to try to get some stuff done for the trip (and he did get quite a bit done over the weekend while I was down). And thankfully, Eden passed out asleep thirty minutes into the trip and didn't really wake up until we got to the hospital in Plano.

We were an hour early so we got some lunch at the cafeteria and managed to eat some of that while filling out another 8 page developmental assessment before they called us back.

Her height and weight are currently in the upper percentiles, like 78 and 85% or something. Her oxygen levels were on the lower end of her normal, but she was chatting away to the technician. Everything else seemed ok. Her EKG seemed normal, too. We had an echo and then we waited around a bit for the doctor, giving us more time to fill out the assessment form. Those things seriously take a long time. You ask the child to do all kinds of tasks and Eden typically doesn't want to do the things she knows she's going to struggle with. I definitely get that.

After a bit, Dr. S came in and talked to us and told us that Eden's VSD is starting to close. That's the hole between her venticles, the chambers in the bottom of her heart. Those are switched, so having the hole there is helping things out. Everything is screwed up, yes, but screwed up in such a way that it's working really well. So the VSD closing is not a great thing. No one get excited or start saying "Praise God!" This isn't a good thing. This could lead to the ASD, the hole between the upper chambers of her heart, having more stress on it, or really, just more stress on her heart in general, which could lead to heart block. Heart block means a pace maker. Pace makers are not a terrible thing by any means, but they are also not ideal for children. Pace makers are, from what we've been told by Eden's cardiologist, about a ten year stalemate before we're looking at a heart transplant.

At the same time, no one start to freak out. Eden is still ok. She's doing fine. The VSD is closing, yes, but slowly, and this was expected. I don't know if there's a way to stop it, or to push it back open. I didn't think to ask those questions. We have a follow up appointment in 4 months during her Spring Break so I'll ask that then.

While we were talking about Eden's development in relation to the assessment form, I mentioned her struggles in school seem to all be with discipline, that she seems to be doing pretty well academically. Dr. S commented that she'd recently been to a conference where they were told that a lot of cardio patients have been noted to have disciplinary issues, ADD, and ADHD and there have been studies that have linked it to the low oxygenation due to their cardiac issues. So her strong willedness and defiance are not just because she's my daughter and my mother's granddaughter (though that definitely helps) but it's also part of her diagnosis. So hey. Silver linings. And something to warn her future teachers.

I knew I had a stressful drive ahead of me so I couldn't really let myself think about hard things in that moment or I knew I'd fall apart on the way home and I couldn't do that. I managed to keep it together for a while then lost it and threw a can of evaporated milk at Austin at home and later sat in a parking lot and cried on the phone to a friend. It was not my finest moment.

So we will continue to keep an eye on her, making sure she doesn't get overtired or have any more episodes like she did a year ago. At least we're fortunate with her that it IS just a watching and waiting game, and not a constant rotation of surgeries and check ups.

Resurfacing

Hello again!

I know. It's been four months. That's a long time. Sorry about that. Quick update: the nativity won best of show! Yay me!

We've been CRAZY busy. Like....feels like non-stop? I'm not a fan.

I took on some responsibilities for the kids' school that were mainly scheduling a plethora of field trips and speakers for Career Month, and then when we didn't have hardly any parents able to drive, hey, I got to drive for them, too. Fortunately, I had considered this and scheduled them for days that I could also drive. Rebekah tagged along on one and did excellently until she suddenly did NOT. And in her defense, we started 20 minutes late. There are two more I'll have to drive for next week and then I think (hope) I'm done. Driving for field trips is not my favorite, but it's not the worst. I've learned some interesting things and the kids are super sweet. (Mine act like I don't exist, but the others give me hugs and say thank you, which is very nice.)

Making cold calls is probably my least favorite thing to do and one day I made 27. That's one of my versions of hell. But its for a good cause. The kids are learning! We're making connections with people for future years of field trips! It'll be great!

ugh.

I also cook once a week for the school and the kids have started making requests and even cheering a little when they see me, which is also heartening, since sometimes my own kids groan or even cry when they hear what I've cooked for dinner. It's nice to be appreciated by elementary aged children once in a while.

My nephew got married a few weeks ago and it was a very interesting wedding. Halloween themed at the Swenson House, complete with costumes. Afterwards, we guests got to wander around and see the house for ourselves, which was fun, then the family visited at Mom's house for a bit before the reception at a different location a little later. It was a pretty intimate wedding and reception with mainly close friends and family and just a few extra people, but the couple seemed pretty content with it and it seemed to be just exactly what they wanted, so that's what mattered. I'm happy for them and look forward to watching them enjoy their life together.

My oldest nephew and his wife moved down from Colorado with their newborn twins about a month before the wedding, which was super timing for them. Go Army. They're about 45 minutes south of town, so we don't see them super often, but my sister definitely makes frequent trips to come see her grandbabies. As she should. Who cares about the rest of us, right? ;-) (Seriously, no judgement. Visit those cuties as much as you can.) It's the first time they've lived this close to family since they've been married, so it's new to them, but we try to include them and invite them as often as we can. My nephew even went to a couple of Austin's open mic nights he's been going to around town lately and seemed to enjoy it. Legitimately. lol

Austin's gotten into open mic nights since he doesn't have any other musical outlets since quitting the church music scene. He's enjoying it, which is good. He started recording himself and posting the videos online, then sending the links to me and a couple of his friends. I assume. I haven't actually watched them. (Sorry Austin). I can hear it live most any time I want. And anytime I don't want. My house isn't super sound proof. The kids will sometimes ask him to play guitar in their room while they're picking up, so he has fans. But his friends have joined him a few times at various locations around town during the week and once my nephew was able to get away from work early enough he was able to join.

The kids are doing well. Same old same old. Some behavior type issues at school but we've tried a couple things at home and I *think* we're seeing some improvement at school. I hope anyway. Eden is so full of personality and her own opinions she is having a rough time, but is doing better in some ways than she was? I don't know. It's a little hard to tell. Rebekah is just the best all around. She goes to MDO twice a week and a sitter the day in between so that I have three days a week to do my own stuff and I'm busy all three days nearly every week. And I do actually kind of miss her. So Friday is our day to just kind of curl up in bed together and watch tv and hang out and it's pretty great. I'm a little jealous of my Fridays.

My migraine meds are working still. I had to double up the dosage (I was given permission to do that at my discretion (did I mention I'm on medication for migraines? I forget)) in mid-October so now I worry that my body is going to adapt again and then what do I do? Because I can't just keep increasing the dosage. At some point, it'll be too much and unsafe. But for now, it's working ok. I need to call the doctor and make a follow up appointment but I keep forgetting to do that. I've had a few other things going on and we've already discussed that I hate making cold calls but also I just hate making calls in general ok?

There've been other things going on, but the stories aren't mine to tell or they just don't need to be told or I'm not ready to tell. We're currently taking a break from church, though I did visit church with a friend and while I did really enjoy it, I don't think it's the church for me, mainly because I'd want to go with her and she goes to the 8am service and I'm over the early service. So once I'm recovered from my church issues, I'll find my way back.

For now, I'm loving grocery shopping at about 930 or 10 on Sunday morning. Once, I woke up at 6 and couldn't get back to sleep so went then. IT WAS THE BEST. Not planning to make that a habit, though. We love having two lazy days together as a family instead of one that regularly gets eaten up by errends or chores.

We've got stuff coming up: another cardio appointment for Eden, Thanksgiving followed quickly by Christmas and then another semester of school with me taking on different responsibilities at the school. I thought with three kids in school I might have more free time and I was definitely wrong. I'll have to reconsider taking on stuff in the future because like I said, I'm not loving being this busy. I'm exhausted. I'm always worried that today my migraine meds won't work or I'll forget to take them (I seriously check a couple times a day that I did in fact take it).

It's fine. Everything is fine. I've got a great tribe that shows up for me when I need them. The next few weeks look great. Thanksgiving! My Birthday! (same day, actually) Our game night group outing to see Die Hard at the Paramount! Being able to sleep in when the kids are out of school for the Christmas holidays! And holiday baking! It'll be great. Let's get to it.

Hopefully it won't take me another four months to check in again but if it does...well, maybe I'll have some really interesting things to tell you. ;-)

Countess of Cross-Stitch

I'm going to do something I don't do often and brag about myself a little.

My parents both cross-stitch(ed). My mom made beautiful stockings for everyone in our family of origin and all her grandchildren (except Dad and Rebekah) and wedding samplers and quilt tops for each of us kids (Caleb has a beautiful quilt, too) and various beautiful pieces for as long as I can remember. Dad did several pieces, too, mostly religious themed, most notably the Last Supper hanging over the fireplace in my living room. He even designed one based on the God's Eye nebula that he stitched and my sister and I had framed and gave to our oldest brother for Christmas one year.

Each of us children knows how to cross-stitch, though I feel like it's fairly safe to say I'm the best at it. I've been doing it since I was 12 and since I'm turning 36 this year, that's nearly 2/3 of my life. That's a long time.

I started with stamped cross-stitch on muslin, a super simple beginner format that I really hated. I can't quite explain why, I just couldn't get the hang of it. So I quit. I think I was younger than 12, but maybe not. Then Mom found a small Christmas ornament of a kitten sleeping on a present and I made that. I'll admit, I attempted to send it to my celebrity crush (JTT for life!) but I'm pretty sure I was unsuccessful.

After that, I moved on to lots of cat type things. And these door ribbon decor things. I have no idea where the majority of my early pieces ended up, but rather quickly, I moved on to larger pieces, mostly still cat themed. I liked cats, so that became what everyone gave me. I was sort of forced into collecting cats. I didn't necessarily WANT to collect them, but so many people gave them to me, I just started saying I did collect them to make it easier for people to buy me gifts (apparently I've always been hard to shop for). And cat cross-stitch projects were part of that period of my life. A few of those are still hanging in the upstairs hallway: one, a cat asleep in a heart that I did when I think I was about 15 or 16, and the other a four seasons of cats in windowsills a couple years later.

I eventually got bored with cats and discovered Teresa Wentzler. Actually, I discovered her through a cat. A GORGEOUS cat. But I loved her designs. They're super intricate and there's a lot of shading using the thread and just tons of back-stitching (outlining) to give detail and they're some of my absolute favorite patterns ever. So I did a couple of her things.

Over late high school/early college, I would ask my parents for something new, something harder, something challenging, and I guess eventually my parents got to a point where they wanted to see what they could do. Most parents want to challenge their kids academically. Mine didn't have that with me. They had to challenge me with cross-stitch...lol So, Mom pulled out a magazine she had and said that every now and then she and Dad would look at the pattern and ooh and ahh and then put it away because it just seemed like too much. I looked at it and thought "Oh, I can do *that.*" And then I did it.

Then Mom told me there was a companion piece. And I did that one, too. The original names were A Young Man's Fancy and Sunday Best, but we thought those names were stupid and we renamed them to Frederick and Rosemary. It was my first time working with metallic threads and something besides DMC cotton thread, working with a fabric besides the standard evenweave AIDA cloth (a very basic, stiff fabric that beginners typically use and I still use on occasion) and instead using linen. I think it took me about 18 months to complete both pieces. Mom and Dad were so proud and impressed with me and how well I did that they paid to have them professionally framed at a time that we were doing all our own framing.

I went back to doing Teresa Wentzler (she's prolific). I also made baby samplers for all my nieces and nephews and as my friends started getting married, I made wedding samplers for them. I started to have pieces pile up so I started giving stuff away to anyone who might appreciate it, not waiting for events like births or marriages. I discovered Mirabilia and Lavender and Lace patterns that are massive and have SO MUCH SHADING but very little back-stitching and are fabulous and starting making those. I abandoned Aida cloth almost exclusively but still occasionally go back to evenweave to give my poor brain a break from linen.

I started designing my own stuff, though it's super basic, just bar samplers (repeated designs going across with text between the lines). I had a photograph turned into a pattern for my best friend for her high school graduation and made it AND IT LOOKED LIKE A DAMN PHOTOGRAPH FROM ACROSS THE ROOM. It's amazing. I'm still impressed with myself for that one.

I occasionally asked my mom for a challenge.

Then....she gave me one.

So now you've got the back story. I'm good. I'm damn good. I've gotten best of show at the Taylor County Fair in the adult division multiple times. I did nearly every year as a youth. I nearly always win either first or second place with whatever I enter. Very rarely do I do easy or simple. So at one point when Mom mentioned this cross-stitch nativity, I kind of filed it away thinking, she can make that herself, that sounds super basic and not worth my time.

But then she did a lot of stuff for us, like let us live with her when we moved to Abilene, and helped us buy a house and all that and I didn't have much money, so for Christmas I told her I'd make her that Nativity. And then she gave me the pattern. I *think* this was about Christmas 2011.

Or should I say patternS. Because this bad boy is 6 patterns for 5 separate pieces. In a five panel frame. That is about 2 feet tall by about 5 feet wide.

Now I know why she never made it.

I took a deep breath and dove in. I bought the recommended material (18 count Aida (count is how many holes are in an inch) in ivory) and made sure I had the threads. Mom bought the metallic threads because there were about 30 different colors. She neglected to notice that she didn't get the special wool thread we needed but I didn't realize it at the time either. Anyway, I got started. Five pieces, six patterns. Go.

These are the worst patterns I've EVER worked with. Some places there's just a void. No symbol for what color goes there, so I had to guess. There's a notation for a color of back stitch that isn't on the pattern, or symbols on the pattern for back stitching and no reference on the key. Sometimes, I had to use the blurry 1989 photo of the finished product on the front to figure it out. NOT MY IDEA OF A GOOD TIME. I got all the cotton DMC thread finished and quit. I didn't like the pattern. I didn't think it was pretty. I had kids. I didn't have the metallic thread because Mom was hanging on to it, afraid I would lose it (which was both fair and unfair of her since as a kid I lost a lot of stuff, but as an adult I'm much more organized).

Then a couple months ago I was hanging out with some friends and we were talking about unfinished projects and I said I might have them beat with how old some of mine are. One is probably 12 or 13 years old because Dad and I talked about finishing it up together. It would literally take an afternoon, just a couple hours, but at this point, finishing without him makes me want to cry, so I'm on the fence about whether or not I even want to. It's beautiful and I'd love to have it in my home, but I feel like it needs that last little bit.

The other was the nativity. I was describing it to my friend, the Empress of Yarn (so called for her phenomenal knitting skills, she's the best knitter I know under 70) and she told me she was going to harass me until I finished it. So I begrudgingly started working on it again. I have worked on very little else the last two months.

I substituted some of the metallic threads for beads and Mom is going to do the french knots because as amazing as I am at cross-stitch for some reason I just can't get those right. Whatever, I'm awesome at everything else. I spent weeks and weeks on metallic threads all over the five panels, going back and forth across them. I found a needle that would break the threads more quickly and so put it away and found a favorite needle. The Empress knitted me a heart shaped pin cushion and it has actually made my life SO much easier (it's amazing how having something so small and simple makes a tedious task less tedious). And every time I look at it I smile and think about her and how much I enjoy her.

She has helped me pick the right color beads to go in the right places, both in the stores and at home with the panels laid out on the table in the sitting room, going so far as to put the beads in the voids on the fabric so we could have a better understanding of how it would look.

This morning, I finished. It's over. After nearly 8 years, this giant labor of love is finalized. I laid it out over the settee in the sitting room to take a picture to send people who've been cheering me on and Eden walked in and said "Oh, is that the pictures for Oma? It's made of love."

And it is. I don't always think loving thoughts while I'm making something for people, especially something this big that took this long, but then, I don't always think loving thoughts about people I love. Because I'm human. But I went through all that stress and distress and discouragement and disbelief and dismay because my mom loved this piece when she saw a blurry photograph. The real thing doesn't photograph well. I see the flaws in it, I see places where I'd fix it if I wanted to lose my mind. However. It is SPECTACULAR in person. It is dirty and stained from my hands and 8 years of handling (and oh my god one time I dripped chocolate milk IN THE MIDDLE OF IT AND I ALMOST CROAKED but I got it off) and it smells a little from being stored in plastic bags but once it is washed and cleaned and framed and displayed, it will gleam and shine and hopefully be something to be treasured. I kinda think she should put it up and keep it up all year round for at LEAST 8 years.

I'm not asking her for any more challenges. I'm afraid of what she'll give me next.

Edited to add:

I forgot to say, and this is all important:

When I got to the part where I needed some special thread made of wool, we discovered that it was discontinued and it was very difficult to find a suitable substitution. I lucked out through google (what would I have done in pre-internet days?) and found a company that actually uses the same dyes as the original company, only now the thread is variegated. I figured, hey, that'll make the sheep look better, so I called my favorite and closest little cross stitch store in Arlington and asked them to order the thread for me. A friend's mom was coming to town and she graciously picked it up and transported it for me so I was able to stitch those little sheep finally after 8 years. And they looked kinda weird. Whatever man.

Then there was the hiccup with the center panel which is made using 2 patterns. Normally, when you have a pattern so big it doesn't fit on one single sheet of paper, even a huge one, there's some instructions about how to match up the separate parts of the pattern, a little bit of overlapping so that you can make sure you're in the right place. I'm pretty sure this didn't have that. I (I'm not kidding here) COUNTED ON THE BLURRY 1989 PHOTO to see how far I had to go from the top of the column to the bottom of the angels to space them apart. It. Was. Bananas. I deserve a prize for that right there. I was trying to figure out how to match the two patterns together the whole way through because there are beams from the Star of Bethlehem coming down from the top pattern into the bottom pattern and it's done in such a way that it's easy to adjust if you're off, but adjustments do have to be made. So I'd start at the top of the top pattern and at the bottom of the bottom pattern and meet in the middle. I thought at one point that I had one line of overlap on the patterns, then at another time I thought, no, I had no overlap, they just meet. I honestly have no clue what it actually is. If they meet, I'm off by 1 stitch. If there's one line of overlap, I'm off by 2. Either way, I DID A SPECTACULAR JOB.

Also, I added some pictures of projects I referenced. I don't have pictures of all of them since I gave them away, but here's what's around my house.

Cat sleeping on a heart. I have no idea when I made this, late 90s? 

Four Seasons is a thing I actually really like....lol This was finished in 2000

Teresa Wentzler cat. So pretty. Finished in 2004? Not framed. I'm pretty good at finishing, not so good at framing. 

A TW that almost finished ME. Good lord. It's solid. Very little fabric shows, just in the neckline and hem detail of her dress. I finished that last year. 

Mom and Dad's first challenge, Rosemary. 

Her brother, Frederick

Lavender and Lace pattern, Angel of Winter. Lots of beads around her hem and through her skirt.

My first exposure to TW. Mom made this for our wedding. She started it for Tom and Stephanie and I said I really liked it and she could make it for me. It's not easy, so she stopped and made them another one. When I got engaged, she started working on it again but didn't actually finish it until 2010. 

My dad did beautiful work. Yes, I know it's crooked. It always falls crooked. I blame the ghost.