My Not-so-Baby Boy

Asher is at a fun age. He has a lot of thoughts and opinions and questions and generally speaking, we can answer his questions. His favorite way to pose these questions is "Mommy, I have a question about life." Rarely does he ask something that isn't actually worth asking.

He's really into video games, so everything with him is percentages: his thirst is at 3%, his anger is at 100%, his interest is at 40%, etc. This makes for some interesting exclamations from him.

I have a very sensitive startle reflex. Like...if I'm asleep (I rarely get very deep asleep and even when I do if someone comes near I immediately wake up) and someone gets close, I gasp loudly (LOUDLY) and sometimes flail. It drove my college housemate nuts because we shared a bathroom and it was in my room, so she'd come in early in the mornings before I was awake and EVERY TIME I gasped and started. I don't actually always remember these events. The boys have learned to jump back when waking me up so I don't smack them. About a month ago, I was taking a nap and Asher ran up and poked me in the stomach. I gasped and flailed, smacking him in the face (not hard). He yelped in surprise and I asked what was wrong. After it was established that his hunger was at 4% (very hungry), I sat up and started to get my bearings to get him a snack. He asked me why I hit him. I said I didn't mean to, he just surprised me. He responded "yeah, I probably shouldn't punch you in the stomach when you're sleeping." Or ever, really.

When talking about getting ready for school, I'll ask him what he's looking forward to and his answer is always "playing on the playground." After Meet the Teacher tonight, it might be the computer room.

Meet the Teacher night tonight was interesting. I don't remember doing anything like that as a kid, but then all my teachers until 8th grade were my friends' moms and women I'd known a huge part of my life. So it didn't make a lot of sense. We stood in line to get into the cafeteria to get some paperwork we needed to fill out regarding pick up, then we went to his classroom and found his desk and filled out some papers for the teacher. One question was "What motivates your child?" I have no idea. Maybe she can find something, because I really haven't. Another was "What is your child's favorite school subject?" Asher answered "Playing."

After we filled out our papers, he explored the classroom and found some legos with letters on them to form words and settled in for some educational play. He abandoned the legos pretty quickly for puzzles. I approached the teacher. She needed a warning about Asher.

I started off with "I know a lot of parents think this, but Asher is really smart. He's been reading on a second grade level for about a year now. He can do some basic fractiony type math in his head. He's read The Invention of Hugo Cabret to himself several times this year. He started Harry Potter but gave up because there weren't enough pictures. It wasn't that it was too hard, he just likes pictures. He's very smart and so he sometimes gets a little bored and obnoxious and smart assy. So brace yourself. If you're reading something and he can see it, he will correct you if you skip a word or mis-say something. He'll read for the other kids and he'll read ahead."

She literally sat down and stared at me.

I also pointed out that he loves computers and he is literally the closest kid to the classroom computers. I said she'd probably have to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn't just get up and get on them. She might even want to move him across the room.

She said she'd find stuff for him to do, that this was going to be an interesting year. I sure hope so.

On the way home, I asked him if he was excited about school.
"Not that much."
"No?"
"I said not that much....I'm 45% excited."
"Do you think that number will get higher or lower over the next five days?"
"Probably higher."

I'm not a super sentimental mom. I didn't cry when I left him at the church nursery or at MDO the first times. I wasn't super upset the first night I spent away from him when he was 18 months old or the first night he spent away from me when he was 4 or 5. I haven't felt that way about any of the kids. I think being a SAHM who's also an introvert who doesn't really like being touched or touching, having that time away from my children who are all extremely touchy was just a relief. Plus, the people taking care of my children were people I knew and trusted completely and who sent me pictures and texts during the day and communicated with me at every pick up and drop off.

The closer we get to his first day of actual school, the more sentimental I get. Buying his school supplies and getting his uniforms and figuring out how to communicate with everyone at his school has taken my mind off the fact but still. Periodically I look at him and am just astounded that the tiny baby who drove me INSANE his first few weeks of life is now this gangly nearly 6 year old with all this attitude and opinions who is about to start actual school, not just MDO. He'll be spending 7 hours a day 5 days a week away from me and I won't know as much about what's going on as I've been able to in the past.

This is just what life is going to be like, I suppose. I'll adapt, but man. I didn't think this would hit me so hard. I mean, I'll still have two at home driving me nuts for the 4 weeks until CCF starts. I have a feeling I'll feel a little sentimental when Elijah goes off to school and more so when Eden does.

The early years of a child's life are SO hard in so many ways, but I'm not quite sure I'm ready for the next part. Though I am kind of ready to be done with the hard part, at least a little of it anyway. (And yes, I know each new stage brings new challenges. We'll deal with them as they come.)

New Baby Asher

Doing puzzles in his kindergarten classroom. He's 45% excited about it.

I'm terrible at updating.

Heyo!

It's been a while. I know. Sorry.

We've been doing stuff. We had a wedding in Austin in late July and had a lovely weekend, relaxing at the beautiful Via Libre and visiting great restaurants and Deep Eddy Pool, as well as seeing some good friends get married. The kids did ok at the wedding, but it was Catholic, so fairly long. They ended up in a different part of the church with Austin while I witnessed the wedding. At least there was a room just for kids at the reception, and you know they had a good time because Elijah went home with a black eye....lol

We've been trying to get things together for Asher starting school soon. We have him enrolled at the Charter School, TLCA, which is just a few blocks away from us. Not being able to find any information online, I assumed they followed the AISD schedule so we were planning around that. Turns out that they don't follow AISD. They start six days earlier, so their Meet the Teacher night is a week earlier. And the school supplies list from last year is slightly different this year, so all the pre planning and shopping I attempted was for naught. Well, not all, but some. So we had to return some school supplies and get others. We also had to get his uniforms, a mesh backpack, and appropriate shoes (no characters). I THINK we have it all, but I have no idea how he's going to carry it all on the first day. My plan is to hopefully be able to go with him his first day, both to walk him in for the first time and to help carry in all his stuff (y'all it's so much).

Elijah is seriously bummed he can't go to school. He keeps telling people "I'm 5" because he knows you have to be 5 to go to school. The school secretary believed him at first because he and Asher are just a few inches and pounds apart. Unfortunately he'll have about three weeks before his school starts, so I'll try to do something special so he doesn't feel so left out. I've let him get a few school supplies just because it takes a little of the sting out.

He's going to miss his brother when Asher is at school. They play together all day and keep each other entertained so I don't have to. The family dynamic during the day is going to change a LOT.

Eden is 18 months old now and has entered the clingy stage where Mommy and Daddy are pretty much the only acceptable people. She talks ALL. THE. TIME. but I have no clue what she's saying. She's pretty earnest about it, though. For some reason, their room is super hot these days so she's frequently wandering the house in nothing but a diaper. She'll occasionally find her shoes, though, and bring them to me to put on. She doesn't care about wearing clothes, but if she can she wants to wear shoes.

Austin's doing well at work. Nothing too exciting to post there. He's got an interior office, so frequently he doesn't get my texts, so once in a while when we try to meet up for lunch or want him to bring something home, he doesn't see it until he's leaving for the day.

For now, we're mostly trying to just get by to the end of the summer. It's hot, I'm drained, the kids are a little crazy. We're keeping out fingers crossed that things will change for the better once school starts back up and we get into the swing of things again.

Then again, they might get crazier when we're trying to get a kid up and off to school every day by 8am and then picking him up at 3pm and keeping two others entertained in the interim. I'll try to report back in in less than a month but I make no promises. :-)

Hot Summer Days

Its hard to believe that the summer is already halfway over. School starts in about six weeks and we've still got shopping for that and two out of town weddings ahead, but we've been busy so far.

The boys have enjoyed a total of three VBS's (and there's at least one more coming) and Asher went to Kindercamp at the Grace, where he did some art projects for a couple days. We've been to the splash pad and swimming in friends' pools. We've had multiple picnics in my room and watched lots of movies, a couple even at actual theaters. We did CALF and went to play miniature golf and went to friends' birthday parties and played at the park and playgrounds and did art projects.

Mama's tired.

I'm digging that the favorite activity seems to be picnic in Mommy's room. I spread an old blanket on the floor and get out sliced cheese, juice pouches, grapes, salami, crackers, and whatever else tickles our fancy, and they sit and eat and watch a movie while I eat and then nap or read a book or whatever. It's pretty great. Of course, currently the tv show is being ignored for wrestling but hey. Boys need to expend their energy sometimes.

We've been keeping busy, but nothing too extraordinary has happened, so there hasn't been tons to report. Eden's cardio appointment went well, as I noted in my last update. Austin's jobs are going well. The kids are happy and active though of course they still have to complain sometimes about silly things (like the ice cream is too cold and the pizza is too hot).

Eden had her annual eye exam today. Her doctor said she has no problem seeing Eden here until time for her eye surgery and then referring her to a pediatric ophthalmologist in Dallas for the surgery. She recommends we wait until Eden is 4 or 5, about time for school, to do the surgery. The bigger her face, the better the results. Her vision isn't being affected by her ptosis so there's no need to do anything sooner. I'm good with that.

It'll be an out patient procedure, which I like, and they'll basically cut a bit out of her eyelid muscle then attach it to a different muscle so that it doesn't droop. Currently, the muscle is stretched out and it won't get better on its own.

Eden was a trooper at the doctor. She complained about the eye drops but otherwise was cheerful and sweet like she always is. The doctor commented on how good she was.

The next couple weeks will be busy for traveling reasons and then we'll be busy for school reasons. I'm looking forward to a nice stretch of time off sometime in September maybe? lol

Hunka hunka burnin' ..... plastic?

Y'all. Raising boys. What. the. hell.

It's been a long couple of weeks, what with CALF (awesome and exhausting...doing it solo with three kids is no joke) and Austin traveling, and it being summer and Eden being a little sick (teething sucks for everyone) and having a regular cardio appointment today....those were the "normal" things. Then there was Austin managing to SHATTER a pyrex dish in the sink and now the garbage disposal doesn't work. Then Elijah got mad and kicked his foot through a window (he's fine, the window was not). Then today with the appointment just exhausted me and I laid down to take a little nap, the boys telling me they'd be ok for an hour. (I don't deep sleep, they still come and go).

Waking up to the smell of burning plastic and little boys shouting "fire! fire!" is never a good thing. Ever.

The best I can figure, because they sure aren't explaining it, is they wanted Easy Mac and couldn't figure out how to do it. The fourth cup they attempted lit on fire. Literally. There were flames in the microwave visible from across the room and smellable from all over the house and probably three blocks away. Plus the contents of the previous three cups were in the sink. Where the garbage disposal doesn't work.

Jesus has to like these boys for me right now.

Uncle/Big Brother John is going to come and look at it later this evening and we'll see if it's salvagable or if we need to make a trip to Lowe's or Home Depot tonight or tomorrow. We don't use the microwave every day, but we use it frequently to reheat leftovers.

But hey, at least I got the broken window fixed today! Only cost about $200! Add this cost to that (and for all the other stuff they've broken over the past couple years) and the boys are going to owe me their first paychecks out of college. No student loans, but Mom Letting Me Live fees.

As for Eden:

Her appointment was great. We were there for three and a half hours because of who knows what, a problem with the computers, over booking, whatever. We waited for over an hour for her echo, then that took a while, then we saw the doctor for about 15-20 minutes. We got home around 2 from her 11:30 appointment.

Her numbers are all good, upper 80's and lower 90's for pulse ox, her weight is good, her length is good (she's 30 inches....she might be a tall woman). She was so tired by the time they did the echo, she just laid there perfectly still for them and they got great images, so that means we don't need to schedule a sedated echo in Dallas later this year. Yay!

The main thing the doctors are keeping an eye on in her echos is the tricuspid valve. It's a valve between the top and bottom of the right side chambers of the heart. It opens and closes, allowing blood to flow from top to bottom but not bottom to top. Since Eden's pulmonary artery and aorta are switched and the right ventricle works harder than normal, this puts more strain on the triscuspid valve. If it starts to show signs of leaking or not working well, that's when we'll revisit surgery. Her tricuspid has a mild leak currently, which is to be expected, but nothing so serious that we're doing anything anytime soon.

In fact, they don't need to see us for another six months, unless Eden starts to show signs of distress.

Six months, you guys! That's awesome! I'm certainly thrilled not to have to go up there more often. She's heavy and there's several things I have to take, plus each visit costs about $3000. Our out of pocket is $3000, so we only pay for one, but still. (This is why we have her medical fund set up. Thank you to all who donated and continue to do so. It'll go towards her heart stuff, not the busted microwave, I swear.)

Austin came home from work and took the boys to VBS for the last night at Broadview (seriously an awesome VBS) and I'm at home with the girl child. I'm exhausted from the past few weeks and THERE'S STILL MORE SUMMER TO GO! We still have two trips for weddings coming up, two more VBS's, and summer activities planned in town. I'm gonna need a vacation at the end of this summer.

At the end of the day, we're all ok, the house is still standing, though it is a little smokey and smelly. We're out some money, but that's all. It could have been so much worse.

I may never nap again without confining children to cages or something. Lawdy.

First three failed attempts. 

No idea what happened here. 

Mac and cheese anyone?

(Don't) Be Our Guest

Every once in a while, I miss my "career"...but then I remember how much I hated 95% of it and come to my senses.

Eleven years ago this week, I moved to Austin, TX, a freshly made college graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Restaurant, Hotel, and Institutional Management from Texas Tech. I was petrified.

My last semester of college was stressful. I took something like 21 hours to get everything in, I had a falling out with one of my best friends and house mates over the Christmas break, my grandmother died in Illinois right before Fall Finals (literally right before: I came home from the funeral and had a final at like 7 am the next day or something) and I couldn't decide whether or not to go to the funeral and ended up going last minute, I had a part-time job, and I went on job interview after job interview and NO ONE wanted to hire me. So when White Lodging called me up and offered me a job, I jumped on it. I was asked where I wanted to go and I said Austin, because I had family there. My friends were going every which way, though the majority of them were in Lubbock for a couple more years. I tried to get a job in Lubbock because I knew me going to Austin would be the death knell for that relationship and I wasn't ready to give it up. (I didn't until October, when he finally said things were done.)

I took my best friend on a fabulous trip to Hawaii then had about a week to pack up everything in Abilene and Lubbock and drive it down to Austin so I could have a week before my first day, June 14.

I worked at the SpringHill Suites Austin North on Parmer Lane, just a couple miles south of Pflugerville. I lived about 15 minutes south of that, on 183 where it's called East Anderson Lane. I had a Super Walmart two minutes from my apartment and an actual grocery store about 5. My brother and his family were about 6. I was in a small nook of a big and scary city and I really didn't leave it much.

Three months after I moved there, my brother and his family moved back to Abilene and left me alone.

I spent two years in Austin and didn't make any friends outside of work, and we all know how deep and lasting work friendships can be. We still keep up with each other on Facebook, but I haven't spoken to any of them in person or heard their voices on the phone in over 8 years.

Leaving Austin wasn't that hard to do. Austin the boy applied to UT for the PHD program and was rejected, so he was going to Dallas to work for TI. I told my boss I was going to Dallas, with or without White Lodging, and he reluctantly let me go. WLS liked me enough that they created a position for me at their lone DFW property, Courtyard Mesquite. I kind of sort of pushed another person out of her job (sorry Julie) but it worked out because by the end of the summer, she left to be with the man she's now married to.

Dallas was a little better, because we had some college friends in the area, plus Austin was there....eventually. I made another group of work friends and some of the guests and I got close. Probably closer than is ok, but I'd done that in Austin, too. Austin guests were long term stay and repeat travelers, men and women who were doing a job in Austin but didn't want to stay over the weekends. They'd check in on Sunday or Monday night and leave Friday mornings every week for six months. One guest cried on his last stay when he said goodbye to us. I sent him a wedding invitation.

Mesquite was different. It was a hot, wet summer, my internet wasn't working well so I couldn't really talk to Austin, it was stressful because the hotel had a LOT of problems that the previous management had tried to sweep under the rug, and again, I was essentially alone in a big, scary city. I hated it.

After we got engaged, the wedding planning started (as it does) and that's when things at the hotel got worse. I'm not a great manager. I'm not good with people. And I kept hiring the WRONG people. I had people calling off thirty minutes before shift, quitting two hours into a shift, hating that I was the new manager and just no call no showing, I had to cancel plans multiple times for trips to Abilene to plan the wedding or to visit my future in-laws in Arlington (about an hour away). I tried to take it all in stride because at least I had evenings off, something I hadn't had in my two years in Austin, but it was wearing me down. WHen I had my performance review and my boss told me I'd done nothing to deserve a raise, I was done.

I didn't deal with the people well, I'll admit that. I wasn't given an adequate picture of what my job WAS or who I was in charge of until my performance review. But I did manage to get over $10,000 worth of unpaid billing paid and paid another several thousand dollars in unpaid bills, convincing our vendors not to cut us off and make us a cash only account. I spent months on that. I felt like that was worthy of note, but my boss did not. He wouldn't even answer his phone if he wasn't "on the clock", so when the alarms went off at 4 am an the fire department wanted to speak to the General Manager, I was the one they dealt with instead. I got reprimanded for being at work in jeans and a t-shirt once when he got there at 6:30am and I'd been there since 3am dealing with a fire alarm that wouldn't go off because it had been broken when some idiot pulled it.

Yeah, leaving that job was not hard either. It's really true when they say people don't leave companies, they leave people. I loved WLS and wish they'd had more properties in the metroplex.

I loved not working in hotels for that summer. I loved not having to deal with the everyday headaches and annoyances of hotels and guests. But with time, they all get a bit of a fuzziness to them and it doesn't seem like it could have been THAT bad.

I follow White Lodging on facebook and last night they posted pictures of the updated and renovated Courtyard Mesquite and it looks fantastic. It made me nostalgic for the good parts of hotels, the fun stuff. And almost immediately I remembered the bad parts and everything that I hated.

I don't miss the long hours. As a manager, I was expected to work 10 hours a day 6 days a week. No overtime, because I was salaried, and no perks other than the occasional free room and ability to grab something from the breakfast. I was expected to do Breakfast Buzzard and Lounge Lizard twice a week (standing in the lobby greeting guests during peak times, making sure all their needs are met) and that was a nightmare for this introvert. I was expected to take all phone calls from the hotel, no matter the time of day. I was expected to fill in any and all shifts at the desk when an employee called off. My duties included inventories, scheduling, ordering, paying bills, entering payments, making sure the front desk and housekeeping had everything they needed. I don't miss any of that. I don't miss the guests who couldn't be satisfied no matter what or the guests who were unnecessarily rude and dismissive of me because I was a young woman (21 in Austin, 23 in Dallas) or the guests who had a sense of entitlement (the ones who book through Expedia and the like are the WORST). I don't miss the boss who just....it felt like he dumped on me.

I do miss the boss who was reluctant to let me go. I miss the sales managers who were my friends, one of whom sat me down and asked me if this was REALLY what I wanted and the other took me out for my birthday, the only one really celebrated in Austin. I miss the guests who smiled back and were pleasant and easy to appease. I REALLY miss the ones who became our temporary family. The one who cried, the one who wanted to set me up with his brother, the one who ALWAYS brought whoever was working the desk a piece of dessert from wherever he went for dinner, the ones who we went to movies and rodeos and dinner with (yes, I know that's a bit inappropriate. I always paid for myself and nothing romantic REALLY happened...that's another story though). I was really popular with older men. Someone once explained that I was the kind of girl all men over 40 wished they'd married and hoped their sons would marry. I miss my coworkers who were supportive of what I had to do and employees who didn't blame me when I had to go all manager on them.

I left WLS ten weeks shy of my 3rd anniversary and I never really looked back. I laughed to myself that I'd spent all that time and money on a useless degree. At least now I wouldn't have to explain it to my friends and defend it to my family. RHIM is not, in fact, a degree in housekeeping. It's a management degree with a focus on hospitality. Yes, we have classes on beer and wine. Yes, we do have to clean rooms as part of a lab for a class. We also have to learn about every. single. thing. in your food that can kill you....nothing is safe. NOTHING. I lost weight that semester. We take an animal science class and learn about different cuts of meat and watch a pig get slaughtered. We have fun, actually. No, it's not as hard as other majors. We're cool with that. RHIM is pretty easy going and laid back until the Philosophy majors start taking shots and then all bets are off.

It took a few years for it to kick in that hey, that was actually not the worst degree for a stay-at-home-mom to have. I have to manage my household and I use a surprising number of things I learned in college. I learned how to figure the cost of things, so when I price my meals for Tali's Table, I don't really leave anything out, things other people forget like dishwasher detergent, electricity, TIME (omg time), wear and tear on the utensils, etc. I watched a pig get slaughtered and didn't throw up and stuck my hand in icy, brown tub water to release the drain, so nasty poopy diapers are nothing (unless I'm pregnant), though I still have a really hard time with vomit. Yes, I learned how to make a bed so when necessary, I can do that. It's kind of a life skill EVERYONE should have, though. I learned how to properly set a table, and how to dine in public, not just eat. I learned time management skills, so we're rarely late when we go out. I learned that I can actually handle quite a bit of stress and not break. I learned that my family is always going to be there for me, no matter what, and my friends might not be.

I still don't have a lot of friends. I've talked about it before, so I won't go into that. Now, though, I'm in a familiar place where I feel comfortable. Sure, when we visit DFW or Austin area, I get nostalgic for it, even though I hated it when I lived there. I think how great it would be to live near the places we're visiting but have to remind myself I never went anywhere or did anything while I was there because I was tired and anxious and I lived there and who wants to be a tourist in the place they live?

I'm definitely happier using my degree for my family. Taking care of the kids and Austin is a lot more rewarding and fulfilling than working in the hotel ever was. The benefits are better, too. Yes, there are occasional late night calls, but soothing a crying baby is better than explaining to a guest that no, I will not come and climb into the laundry shoot at 3am to look for your missing stuffed tiger (it was three feet long, I have no clue how they forgot it in the first place). There's bill paying, yes, but it's to keep our family warm, lighted, and fed. There's cleaning, but cleaning after my kids and the evidence of their (hopefully) happy childhood.

I think it was a pretty good trade.

Me and one of my front desk employees with a guest at Halloween. The thing she's squeezing would make the blood pulse across his face. It was kind of awesome. 

We found this belt in a guest room. No one ever called to claim it. This was my favorite GM and breakfast lady at SHS. 

Stocking the sundries shop at SHS

Updating the board at SHS...I didn't realize I was supposed to do this until I'd been there for six months. 

The only "fun" picture I have from Courtyard. We didn't have a lot of fun there. 

The Summer of Awesome! Or maybe just anxiety and yelling. It's too soon to say.

I hate crowds. Like...seriously hate them. I hate going places alone I've never been, being surrounded by people I don't know, having to put myself out there and do things....it's basically my worst nightmare. Throw in three kids, two of which are go-go-go boys, and it's even worse.

There's no FKO this summer. Kathy is leaving (I'm not a fan of that decision) and the whole program is kind of up in the air as to whether or not it will continue at all. I got us on a waiting list at FBC's MDO program, but haven't heard anything. Plus, since it's Asher's last summer before he starts school, I figured, Hey, I'll keep them home and we'll do stuff! It'll be great!

I may have lost my damn mind.

Doing stuff means going places. Or planning things to do at home (which we all know is not going to happen). It means being in crowds. It means planning at least a little bit what we're doing.

I've spent the past couple of months going over websites for the museums, libraries, universities, theaters and more and creating a comprehensive calendar of EVERYTHING happening all summer long in Abilene for my kids' age range. Ok, not everything, but about 95% of everything.

It's exhausting. And that was just the writing it down part. I even bought a planner just for ease of keeping things straight and then spent a couple of hours over the past couple of days transferring everything into it.

The great thing is, there's tons to do. The Grace has art stuff every week, book readings once a month, random events throughout the summer. The library has about a dozen activities every single week at the three different locations. There's the CALF, various churchs' VBS's, the kids' movie series at the local theaters, the splash pads, the pools, the state park, the regular parks, the zoo, putt-putt golf, the museums...on and on it goes.

Plus there's the "Hey, let's just stay home because Mommy needs a mental health day."

I'm trying to plan 1-2 activities a day for us and so far, we've done ok. Monday we went to Chik-fil-A to play, then to Dollar Tree and Walmart to grab a couple things for Memorial Day weekend. Tuesday was the last day of FKO, so I got a last day to myself. I stayed home and vegged out. Wednesday we had plans but they all fell apart so we ended up at the Used Bookstore, which was great because who doesn't need more books? (Don't look at my shelves full of unread books) Today was the Grace for story time and playing in the morning and back in the evening for an art adventure. Tomorrow is a play date and possibly something else (maybe the library).

We're doing ok so far, but today I was feeling the strain of it.

I know my kids are good kids, I really do, but when I'm out in public with them, I get stressed out by their behavior and the fact that WE'RE IN PUBLIC PLACES AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT CHILD/OUT OF YOUR PANTS/AWAY FROM THAT OBJECT IF YOU HAVE TO PEE WE GO TO THE POTTY and so get snappy. I get anxious and angry and feel like everyone is watching me and judging me based on my kids (which they're totally not, they're trying to keep their own kids from climbing the walls...I mean, I don't judge them based on their kids(ok, some kids I totally do because wow.)) and that makes everything worse and it just spirals out of control. It sometimes takes a day or so to calm me down, and in the meantime there's still snappiness and fussing at people at home to contend with. There may or may not have been tears this morning in a search for shoes (Seriously, if he would just put them away when he gets home instead of kicking them off like a can-can dancer like I've been telling him to for six months he'd be able to find them).

It's so hard for me to go and do stuff with my kids and I know that I don't have to, but at the same time, I don't want them sitting around on the computer or watching tv all summer. I want them doing stuff and enjoying themselves. Most of what we have planned is either super cheap or totally free. If I had to pay more for what we're doing, we for sure wouldn't do it. (I'm cheap like that.) But they enjoy the library, they love the Grace's children's museum, they like story time and the splash pad and art projects. Everything on our list is things they either already enjoy or I'm about 90% sure they will. I just have to get my mind wrapped around the whole "leaving the house" thing.

Either way, it'll be an interesting summer.

The End of the World

In 2010, there were billboards all over Abilene claiming that the end of the world was coming on May 21, 2010. They were there for months. I can't remember the first time I saw them, but we were visiting about once a month or so that spring and so saw them regularly. Some guy had done some math involving the Bible or something and decided that was going to be the day the world ended.

For our family, the month and day were right, but the guy was off by one year.

Most people know, but I've made a few new acquaintances and friends over the past couple of years who don't know. May 21, 2009 was the day my dad died.

Understandably, May 21 is a hard day for us every year. We try to distract ourselves and think about other things, but every time I look at the clock, I remember what I was doing at that time on that day. I remember what I was feeling and what was going on around us and how other people responded, from the painter who got finished in record time to the people who got out of line for me at the gas station to the hospital person who took us to Dad. I remember Grandmother asking me not to go see his body and I remember holding his hand and hugging him one last time. (I have a bunch of these, there's a whole document titled "I Remember...")

Honestly, I'm not sure if May 21, 2009 or January 29, 2015 was the worst day of my life. On one, I lost my dad and on the other, I found out my baby daughter has an incredibly special heart. He's gone forever and she has something hard that she has to deal with her whole life and I can't change or fix either one. She's doing extremely well and is only slightly higher maintenance than a normal baby, but he's still gone forever. Both days suck.

I've processed Dad's death online a lot. There's notes on fb with my thoughts and feelings and a book I've had made with pictures and my family's eulogies and their own processing writings. Some of them I've read many times, some only once or twice. Turns out we Walkes are pretty good writers. And we all really loved John S. Walke.

So if I'm down or a little weepy around May 21, Father's Day, or June 24 (Dad's birthday), then that's probably why. It's a rough 34 days for me.

I know I've posted these pictures before, but they're my favorites. I think they show Dad's loving, comforting, protective, and goofy sides.